Year: 2015

Battling Mom Guilt

This morning I woke up in a cold sweat.  It’s the day before Thanksgiving.  I home school my children and I woke up realizing that I’m a horrible mother because I have not taken the time to prepare a lesson on the Pilgrims.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I haven’t taught my kids about the Mayflower; I am a total failure.

This is a small snippet of the ridiculous and absurd thoughts that I have to intentionally flush down the toilet each day.  I have a sneaking suspicion I’m not alone.  Mom guilt is real, and it is vicious.

As a foster parent, you will be more susceptible to these assaults of guilty thoughts.  Did I make the right decision?  Am I capable?  Did I force my family into this?  What am I doing to my children?  These kids would be better somewhere else.  And it goes round and round and round.

It is funny how only the bad and negative thoughts seem to get whispered in our ears.   There is definitely no cheerleader in my subconscious.  Just an angry, bitter spirit who seems to hone in on all my fears and anxieties with some super powered magnifying glass.  What’s up with that?

As Christians, we know what’s up with that.  We just have to remind ourselves.

Ephesians 6:12 tells us

12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

We are at war.  We are at war with an enemy we can’t see.  It should be no surprise that he whispers.  But how to silence those whispers?  I don’t want to wake up each day feeling like I’ve failed before I have even started.

Ephesians 6:10-11 tells us

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 

The ability to defeat mom guilt has been provided for us. The Bible tells us to be strong in the Lord.  The Bible tells us to depend on His might.  The Bible doesn’t just tell us to put on armor.  It tells us to put on the armor of God.  Our God is aware of our enemies’ tactics; He has not left us defenseless.

When I wake up in a panic about some area of failure, my temptation is to pull the covers over my head and go back to bed.  Being a mother is such an important role.  Our enemy knows that, so we must not be surprised that we will be frequently assaulted, and often from within our own minds.

Ephesians 4:22-23

lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit,

 23 and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

Those twinges of mom guilt are important.  They are important reminders that I must lay aside those feelings and fears and instead be renewed in the spirit of my mind.  I must put on the new self, a self that has been created in the likeness of God, created in righteousness and holiness and truth.  A creation like that can recognize a guilty lie.  A creation like that can laugh when mom guilt sails their way in the form of pilgrims and the Mayflower.

So I woke up today freaking out.  But I will not live the day that way.  I will begin my day with joy and in victory.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

To read about the approach of Arizona Faith and Families to foster care and adoption click here.  Or to find out more about becoming a foster parent in Arizona please visit our Licensing page.

Keeping the “Merry” in your Merry Christmas

The holidays are intended to be a very exciting time of year.  Between Thanksgiving and Christmas there are two months of family gatherings, feasting, gift giving, and family traditions.  This is also the time of year when it can be very fun to be a parent.  We are excited to share with our children the joy of the season and to capture a little bit of the magic that is childhood.  As foster parents, we often times come in with even a little more gusto!  We can’t wait to share the joy of the holidays with these precious kids.  Who is not more deserving of joy than children such as these?

However, we must be careful.  Good intentions, especially when it comes to traumatized or neglected children, have a tendency to blow up in our faces.  If you want to keep the “Merry” in your Merry Christmas, it is important to approach the holidays with a plan.  Here are five easy steps toward achieving just that…

  1. Expect a change in behavior

A time of year intended to bring happiness and joy can be extremely uncomfortable for a child who has experienced trauma, neglect, or abuse.  Often times, childhood trauma leads to a negative self-image.  Healing takes time.  LOTS of time!  Despite prayer, counseling, and love, your precious children might still have a feeling that they are not good and do not deserve good things.  When we introduce them to happy situations like Thanksgiving or Christmas, expect that your child might unconsciously need to restore their equilibrium.  They will do this by soliciting negative behavior.  Don’t be shocked.  Take it as a reminder that your child is still healing and will need to be introduced to positive experiences slowly and with care.

Holidays also trigger past memories.  The season will provide them with plenty of reminders that their life is not traditional and the reality is not Hallmark.  Even if your child is in safer, happier, more loving situation, there is still room for sadness and grief.  Grief expresses itself in behaviors.  Expect a change in your child’s behavior and be prepared to meet the needs they are expressing.

  1. Make a family plan

Holidays mean a change in routine.  Children need routine.  Plan the season with your children, prepare a calendar so they can visually see places you plan to go and activities you plan to participate in.  Let them participate in the planning.  Is there a family tradition they want to share with you?  Is there a special food they would like to help cook?  Mold the season together, do not just plan the holidays and throw your child into the mix.  This needs to be a family experience, and as a newer member of this family, let them provide input and help create new traditions.  Giving your child a voice will give them a sense of control.  Control will help calm their nerves and ease behaviors.

Also be aware of sensory overload.  During this season our senses are assaulted on all fronts.  The sights, smells, and sounds of Christmas might bring us joy, but are a nightmare for a child who has trouble processing their environment.  Bringing a child with limited sensory processing to a crowded shopping area or a loud party is a recipe for disaster. Pay attention to your child’s triggers and adapt your schedule as needed.  Understand that they may be more easily triggered because they are already over stimulated and “on edge”.

  1. Lower Expectations

This can be difficult.  We enter this time of year with so much hope and anticipation.  We want to provide the very best for our foster children, that’s partly why we’re here!  But save yourself the grief and lower those expectations.  Provide the very best, but expect less.  This is a hard time of year for many children.  There will be behaviors.  There will be ungratefulness.  There will be tears or screaming or fighting.  There will be these things because there will be feelings.  And where there are feelings, there are behaviors.  You can help with your child’s stress by lowering your expectations and meeting their true needs.  They need to feel safe.  They need to feel secure.  They need to feel loved.  And love doesn’t mean you show up with the coolest bike on Christmas morning.  Love means when they are raging on Christmas Eve, you’re right there with them.  And you could care less that you are missing the family party.  Remind yourself in those moments that love is allowing that child to express their feelings, and love is letting them know they are in a safe place to do so.

  1. Help foster connections

Make sure to honor your child’s connections throughout the season.  Do they get to see their biological family?  Help them make gifts and cards.  If safe and approved, invite them to holiday events like the church’s Christmas play or a tree lighting ceremony.

Make sure your child has opportunities to give back.  Many people want to give to our children this time of year.  While this is kind, it can also be hurtful.  We don’t want our children to see themselves as needy or as takers.  Help foster connections by making them givers!  Help them make cards and presents for the important people in their lives, whether that is their biological mom or a teacher at their school.  Everyone has connections.  Help your child stay connected to theirs.

  1. Share, teach, and demonstrate the true meaning of Christmas

This is the most important step.  The meaning of Christmas gets lost.  Somewhere in the smell of sugar cookies, the mountain of presents, and the lights on our tree is the true reality of this holiday.  The reality that our savior was born in a stable and placed in a trough.  The reality that the king of this universe was born so that he could one day die on a cross.  But why death?  So that there could be life.  That is a powerful truth.  That is reality.  Don’t let it get lost.

Isaiah 9:6 tells us, “For us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Is that not everything our children need?  Is it not everything we need?  Our counselor, our mighty God, an everlasting father, and the Prince of Peace!  It is so powerful, so healing, and so true.  Keep this truth at the center of the holiday season and you will surely keep the Merry in your Merry Christmas.

John 16:33 “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

To read more articles on what it means to be a foster parent please visit our blog page and read see FAQ to find out more about fostering in Arizona.

The Gift of Adoption

A personal post from 2013:

I just spent the day getting my daughter ready for her junior prom.  Moments like these are bittersweet for moms.  Shopping, nails, shoes, makeup, and hair are all on this mom’s list of favorites.  Watching your daughter combine all those activities and emerge looking less like a teen and more like a young woman, changes the dynamics.

As an adoptive mom it’s even a little harder.  Prom night is just another reminder that the time is slipping faster than I can savor it.  It’s another reminder that graduation and that 18th birthday are just around the corner.  It’s another reminder of all those missed moments that have led to this milestone event.

But it serves as another reminder too.  Seeing my daughter so beautiful and happy is just another bow on the gift of adoption.  We may have missed many moments, but the memories we’ve been a part of can’t compare to the ones we lost.

I wasn’t there the day she was born.  I wasn’t there when she took her first steps or said her first words.  I missed the first day of kindergarten and the chance to teach her to ride a bike.  But I was there today.  Today I helped my daughter get ready for prom.  And it reminds me that the moments missed just can’t compare to the memories made.  And that my friends, is the gift of adoption.

To find out more about adopting from foster care please visit our FAQ page and Contact us today.

A Practical Prayer Guide for Foster Care

People often ask how they can be involved in foster care; the number one way to be involved is to pray.  Acts 1:14 explains how the disciples were “joined together constantly in prayer”.

If we, the Christian Church, seek to step in and care for these orphaned then we need to be “joined together constantly in prayer”. This is no light task we have taken on, but if God is for us who can be against us? When we look at the broken system that is foster care today we should be deeply moved to go before our Father in prayer on behalf of all those involved.

Let’s take the first step in caring for these children, would you join in praying today?

Biological Families

  1. Pray for the biological families of these children to come to saving faith in Christ and be transformed in how they parent. Pray that God would send Godly mentors and friends to help them on their journey
  2. Pray for them to receive the help they need
  3. Pray that they would be treated well and loved by the Christians they encounter through the system
  4. Pray for Godly foster parents to show them Christ’s love and partner with them in working towards reunification

Children

  1. Pray that they would come to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior
  2. Pray that God would heal their wounds and hearts
  3. Pray for them to be safe from abuse while in foster care
  4. Pray for them to find a forever home either through reunification or adoption
  5. Pray that God would send them someone who can speak truth into their lives and help them to heal from the trauma they have encountered.

Foster Families

  1. Pray for more laborers in the field
  2. Pray that God would continually encourage them and strengthen them on their journey
  3. Pray for boldness and opportunities to share the Gospel with these children and their biological families
  4. Pray for their marriage to remain strong and united
  5. Pray for biological children living in the home, and for foster children moving in, to transition well

Adoptive Families

  1. Pray that they would not be discouraged as they wait
  2. Pray that their marriage would be unified through this time
  3. Pray for them to love their child as God loves their child
  4. Pray for them as they raise their children to have wisdom and guidance

The Workers

  1. Pray that God would draw Godly people into the field of social work
  2. Pray that they would be encouraged in their job and not grow weary in doing good
  3. Pray for Godly judges, therapists, support staff, ect. to be involved in this process
  4. Pray for them to boldly live out their faith daily and for opportunities for them to share the Gospel

Please feel free to print and share this post as a tool for guiding your prayer time.

The Ministry of Foster Care

This is the fourth entry in a 6-part series on foster parenting. To view a list of all the videos and blogs available in this series, please click here.


The bruises and sores are finally starting to heal.”

It was prayer request time at our small group.  And the report wasn’t on someone who was recovering from a car accident.  She was describing two young children in the foster care system.

When children are removed from their homes by DCS, they carry many burdens.  They have often been subject to neglect, physical abuse, or sexual abuse.  Instead of being nurtured and cherished by their caregivers, they have been sinned against.  This has a drastic effect on the psyche and spirit of these children, and more than anything, they need healing.  These children need healing for their broken relationships, healing for their broken bodies, and most importantly, healing for their spirits through the gospel.

“And it came to pass on a certain day, as He was teaching, that there were Pharisees and doctors of the law sitting by, who were come out of every town of Galilee, and Judaea, and Jerusalem: and the power of the Lord was present to heal them” – Luke 5:17

The power of our Lord knows no bounds.  He is capable of healing any child, no matter how badly they have been abused.  They can be healed of the burden from their past abuse, and also from the unrelated burden of their own sin.  This spiritual healing comes through the gospel and the regenerative power of the Holy Spirit.  As Christian foster parents, we have a unique opportunity to share the facts of the gospel, and to model the fruit of the Spirit for children in our care.  Whether we have them for a couple days, or adopt them and have them for the rest of our lives, we have the great privilege of sharing the message of the gospel with children who have probably never heard it before.

“How then will they call on Him in whom they have not believed?  How will they believe in Him whom they have not heard?” – Romans 10:14

There are many secular foster homes that can monitor and facilitate the care of children.  There are many secular foster homes that can provide a safe place for bruises and broken bones to heal.  But as Christians, we alone can offer the power of the gospel.  We can provide something infinitely greater.  The question is, will we?

To find out how you can be involved please visit our FAQ page and contact us today.

“Jesus bears with him power to heal; this is His honour and renown.  He has the eagle’s eye to see our sicknesses, the lion’s heart bravely to encounter them, and the nurse’s hand gently to apply the heavenly ointment; in Him the three requirements of a good surgeon meet in perfection” – Charles Spurgeon

Next part

Click here to view the next part of this series which will explore the topic of shared parenting.

This blog entry is part of a 6-part series on foster parenting.  To view a list of all the videos and blogs available in this series, please click here.

Saying Goodbye and other reasons we foster

This is the second entry in a 6-part series on foster parenting.  To view a list of all the videos and blogs available in this series, please click here.

Do you want to know the number one reason people tell us they can’t consider fostering children?  It’s not lack of space, time, money, or ability.  It’s not lack of care, concern, or information.  While those might be valid reasons, the number one reason people tell us they cannot foster is because they don’t believe they could say goodbye.  They believe they do not have the capacity to love, bond, and attach with a child they may not get to keep.

Saying goodbye is tough. What would be worse?  Never saying hello.

I have mothered many children over the past ten years.  Only four claim me on their birth certificate.  I’ve said goodbye to more pieces of my heart than I can count.  And I wouldn’t demand a single piece of it back.  Not one single time did I wish I hadn’t said hello, fallen in love, and bonded with a child I didn’t get to keep.  Not once, not even for a moment.

If saying goodbye isn’t hard, you’re doing something wrong.

We don’t become parents because we want a child to love us.  We become parents because we have love to give.  There is no one more deserving of this love than a child in foster care.

We don’t bond and attach with our children because we need to boost our own confidence.  We bond and attach with our children because they need to understand healthy relationships, experience care, and grow as individuals.  There is no one more deserving of strong bonds and attachment than a child in foster care.

We become so paralyzed with the end of the story, we don’t realize all the amazing chapters in between.  There are many reasons not to become a foster parent.  I promise you, saying goodbye is not one of them.  The difficulty of goodbyes means you have experienced a phenomenal journey that takes place after saying hello.

This is not a break up, this is a gift.

Love and attachment will cost you.  It will cost your pieces of your heart.  But does not our God promise to meet all our needs in Christ Jesus our Lord?  Does He who has called us to care for such as these leave us empty when we obey this command?  Absolutely not!  He is faithful.  And He will refill the Christian who dares to travel the beautifully broken journey of goodbye.

Luke 9:47-48

But Jesus, knowing what they were thinking in their heart, took a child and stood him by His side,  and said to them, “Whoever receives this child in My name receives Me, and whoever receives Me receives Him who sent Me; for the one who is least among all of you, this is the one who is great.”

Next part

Click here to view the next part of this series which will explore the topic of home inspections.

This blog entry is part of a 6-part series on foster parenting.  To view a list of all the videos and blogs available in this series, please click here.

5 Ways You Can be Involved in Foster Care Today

I’m sitting in a coffee shop reflecting on the information I have just received. News of DCS workers receiving five newborn babies in one day and having to halt their desk jobs to care for them. Stories of a new facility being built to house children so they don’t have to sleep on the floor while they try to find homes for them. It is overwhelming and simply not okay.

I hear the stories, I know that God has not asked but that He has commanded we care for these orphans. So what do I do?

Many of you, like me, are wondering how you can follow God’s command to care for the orphaned according to your calling and gifting. Here are five ways to serve God in caring for the orphaned children in Arizona, I implore you to pick one and begin fighting for the voiceless today.

PRAY

Paul tells us in Ephesians to always be alert and praying for the saints (Ephesians 6:18). So pray for the foster parents; those preparing their hearts and homes for these children, and those already parenting children in their homes. Paul tells us to pray that when they open their mouth words may be given to them so they may make known the mystery of the gospel. Pray that they would share the Gospel daily with the children in their home.

Pray for God to raise up parents and homes to house these orphans and pray for these children of the state to be safe and cared for.  Set a reminder on your phone to make it a daily priority to pray over this crisis.

RAISE AWARENESS

How can someone help if they are not aware of the problem? It is important to share the information about foster care and the great need with everyone you know. Share articles on the internet, tell your friends, family and Church. Orientations are held weekly so that people may learn more about what foster care is and the great need for more people to open their hearts and homes. Keep up to date with these orientations so that you may provide an opportunity for anyone looking for more information.  Make the Church aware of the problem so that one day they may say “Lord here am I, send me”

RESPITE CARE

Respite care is a way to provide short-term care enabling the foster parent to take a break. Some children require round-the-clock intensive care, and this allows for the parents to take a break and reenergize when their energy is running low. Respite care is a great way to minister to families providing foster homes and a way to care for children in foster care.

MENTORSHIP

Many foster care organizations have a mentorship program, you can mentor a local foster child in your area. Take this opportunity to pour into the life of a child in need and to provide a positive role model for them. Take a moment to walk alongside someone and live life with them just as Jesus did with so many in His day.

FOSTER

We are in need for people, especially the Church, to rise up and open their
homes to these children.  To find out more about becoming a foster parent, please see Steps to Becoming a Foster Parent.  The first step you can take in this process is to attend an orientation. Here you can gather more information on Foster Care to decided if this is the next step for your family.

God has not asked us, He has commanded that we care for these orphans and to do so is to have a heart ready and willing to serve.

The 17,000

17,000. The number is remarkable.  Over 17,000 children in the care and custody of the state of Arizona.  The number is staggering, the need is great.  The state has contracted with twenty-nine agencies to recruit and license foster parents for this crisis.  Of those twenty-nine, six list themselves as faith-based.  Six.  That’s just 20% of the state’s contracted agencies targeting their recruitment at Christians.

That means that 80% of families are recruited from among the general population. The very children we are responsible to rise up and care for.  The children we will hold an account for when our days are done, are not being cared for by us.

This is no easy task.  This is no easy calling.  But we will not be measured against its difficulty, we will be measured against our willingness to obey.  And there is hope for this generation of children in state care.  The first step toward foster parenting is an easy one!  Simply attend or host an information meeting.  These orientations are one hour long and will give you valuable information about becoming a licensed foster parent.  Orientations are held monthly and listed on our calendar.  They can also be privately scheduled for your church or group.  Contact us today to find out more!

Orientation

Interested in becoming a foster parent now, or a year from now?  Orientation is the first step!  Arizona Faith and Families collaborates with the Kids Consortium to host these orientations.  Orientations happen throughout the valley on a regular basis, the schedule is located here.

The state of Arizona requires all potential applicants to first attend these free and informative meetings before beginning the licensing process.  During orientation you will learn the steps and requirements to adopt or foster through the state of Arizona. These orientations are open to the public and a list of all Arizona licensing agencies will also be provided.

Interested in hosting an orientation at your church or for a special group?  Contact us today to schedule an orientation personalized to your location and schedule needs.