Month: November 2015

Battling Mom Guilt

This morning I woke up in a cold sweat.  It’s the day before Thanksgiving.  I home school my children and I woke up realizing that I’m a horrible mother because I have not taken the time to prepare a lesson on the Pilgrims.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I haven’t taught my kids about the Mayflower; I am a total failure.

This is a small snippet of the ridiculous and absurd thoughts that I have to intentionally flush down the toilet each day.  I have a sneaking suspicion I’m not alone.  Mom guilt is real, and it is vicious.

As a foster parent, you will be more susceptible to these assaults of guilty thoughts.  Did I make the right decision?  Am I capable?  Did I force my family into this?  What am I doing to my children?  These kids would be better somewhere else.  And it goes round and round and round.

It is funny how only the bad and negative thoughts seem to get whispered in our ears.   There is definitely no cheerleader in my subconscious.  Just an angry, bitter spirit who seems to hone in on all my fears and anxieties with some super powered magnifying glass.  What’s up with that?

As Christians, we know what’s up with that.  We just have to remind ourselves.

Ephesians 6:12 tells us

12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

We are at war.  We are at war with an enemy we can’t see.  It should be no surprise that he whispers.  But how to silence those whispers?  I don’t want to wake up each day feeling like I’ve failed before I have even started.

Ephesians 6:10-11 tells us

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 

The ability to defeat mom guilt has been provided for us. The Bible tells us to be strong in the Lord.  The Bible tells us to depend on His might.  The Bible doesn’t just tell us to put on armor.  It tells us to put on the armor of God.  Our God is aware of our enemies’ tactics; He has not left us defenseless.

When I wake up in a panic about some area of failure, my temptation is to pull the covers over my head and go back to bed.  Being a mother is such an important role.  Our enemy knows that, so we must not be surprised that we will be frequently assaulted, and often from within our own minds.

Ephesians 4:22-23

lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit,

 23 and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

Those twinges of mom guilt are important.  They are important reminders that I must lay aside those feelings and fears and instead be renewed in the spirit of my mind.  I must put on the new self, a self that has been created in the likeness of God, created in righteousness and holiness and truth.  A creation like that can recognize a guilty lie.  A creation like that can laugh when mom guilt sails their way in the form of pilgrims and the Mayflower.

So I woke up today freaking out.  But I will not live the day that way.  I will begin my day with joy and in victory.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

To read about the approach of Arizona Faith and Families to foster care and adoption click here.  Or to find out more about becoming a foster parent in Arizona please visit our Licensing page.

Keeping the “Merry” in your Merry Christmas

The holidays are intended to be a very exciting time of year.  Between Thanksgiving and Christmas there are two months of family gatherings, feasting, gift giving, and family traditions.  This is also the time of year when it can be very fun to be a parent.  We are excited to share with our children the joy of the season and to capture a little bit of the magic that is childhood.  As foster parents, we often times come in with even a little more gusto!  We can’t wait to share the joy of the holidays with these precious kids.  Who is not more deserving of joy than children such as these?

However, we must be careful.  Good intentions, especially when it comes to traumatized or neglected children, have a tendency to blow up in our faces.  If you want to keep the “Merry” in your Merry Christmas, it is important to approach the holidays with a plan.  Here are five easy steps toward achieving just that…

  1. Expect a change in behavior

A time of year intended to bring happiness and joy can be extremely uncomfortable for a child who has experienced trauma, neglect, or abuse.  Often times, childhood trauma leads to a negative self-image.  Healing takes time.  LOTS of time!  Despite prayer, counseling, and love, your precious children might still have a feeling that they are not good and do not deserve good things.  When we introduce them to happy situations like Thanksgiving or Christmas, expect that your child might unconsciously need to restore their equilibrium.  They will do this by soliciting negative behavior.  Don’t be shocked.  Take it as a reminder that your child is still healing and will need to be introduced to positive experiences slowly and with care.

Holidays also trigger past memories.  The season will provide them with plenty of reminders that their life is not traditional and the reality is not Hallmark.  Even if your child is in safer, happier, more loving situation, there is still room for sadness and grief.  Grief expresses itself in behaviors.  Expect a change in your child’s behavior and be prepared to meet the needs they are expressing.

  1. Make a family plan

Holidays mean a change in routine.  Children need routine.  Plan the season with your children, prepare a calendar so they can visually see places you plan to go and activities you plan to participate in.  Let them participate in the planning.  Is there a family tradition they want to share with you?  Is there a special food they would like to help cook?  Mold the season together, do not just plan the holidays and throw your child into the mix.  This needs to be a family experience, and as a newer member of this family, let them provide input and help create new traditions.  Giving your child a voice will give them a sense of control.  Control will help calm their nerves and ease behaviors.

Also be aware of sensory overload.  During this season our senses are assaulted on all fronts.  The sights, smells, and sounds of Christmas might bring us joy, but are a nightmare for a child who has trouble processing their environment.  Bringing a child with limited sensory processing to a crowded shopping area or a loud party is a recipe for disaster. Pay attention to your child’s triggers and adapt your schedule as needed.  Understand that they may be more easily triggered because they are already over stimulated and “on edge”.

  1. Lower Expectations

This can be difficult.  We enter this time of year with so much hope and anticipation.  We want to provide the very best for our foster children, that’s partly why we’re here!  But save yourself the grief and lower those expectations.  Provide the very best, but expect less.  This is a hard time of year for many children.  There will be behaviors.  There will be ungratefulness.  There will be tears or screaming or fighting.  There will be these things because there will be feelings.  And where there are feelings, there are behaviors.  You can help with your child’s stress by lowering your expectations and meeting their true needs.  They need to feel safe.  They need to feel secure.  They need to feel loved.  And love doesn’t mean you show up with the coolest bike on Christmas morning.  Love means when they are raging on Christmas Eve, you’re right there with them.  And you could care less that you are missing the family party.  Remind yourself in those moments that love is allowing that child to express their feelings, and love is letting them know they are in a safe place to do so.

  1. Help foster connections

Make sure to honor your child’s connections throughout the season.  Do they get to see their biological family?  Help them make gifts and cards.  If safe and approved, invite them to holiday events like the church’s Christmas play or a tree lighting ceremony.

Make sure your child has opportunities to give back.  Many people want to give to our children this time of year.  While this is kind, it can also be hurtful.  We don’t want our children to see themselves as needy or as takers.  Help foster connections by making them givers!  Help them make cards and presents for the important people in their lives, whether that is their biological mom or a teacher at their school.  Everyone has connections.  Help your child stay connected to theirs.

  1. Share, teach, and demonstrate the true meaning of Christmas

This is the most important step.  The meaning of Christmas gets lost.  Somewhere in the smell of sugar cookies, the mountain of presents, and the lights on our tree is the true reality of this holiday.  The reality that our savior was born in a stable and placed in a trough.  The reality that the king of this universe was born so that he could one day die on a cross.  But why death?  So that there could be life.  That is a powerful truth.  That is reality.  Don’t let it get lost.

Isaiah 9:6 tells us, “For us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Is that not everything our children need?  Is it not everything we need?  Our counselor, our mighty God, an everlasting father, and the Prince of Peace!  It is so powerful, so healing, and so true.  Keep this truth at the center of the holiday season and you will surely keep the Merry in your Merry Christmas.

John 16:33 “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

To read more articles on what it means to be a foster parent please visit our blog page and read see FAQ to find out more about fostering in Arizona.

The Gift of Adoption

A personal post from 2013:

I just spent the day getting my daughter ready for her junior prom.  Moments like these are bittersweet for moms.  Shopping, nails, shoes, makeup, and hair are all on this mom’s list of favorites.  Watching your daughter combine all those activities and emerge looking less like a teen and more like a young woman, changes the dynamics.

As an adoptive mom it’s even a little harder.  Prom night is just another reminder that the time is slipping faster than I can savor it.  It’s another reminder that graduation and that 18th birthday are just around the corner.  It’s another reminder of all those missed moments that have led to this milestone event.

But it serves as another reminder too.  Seeing my daughter so beautiful and happy is just another bow on the gift of adoption.  We may have missed many moments, but the memories we’ve been a part of can’t compare to the ones we lost.

I wasn’t there the day she was born.  I wasn’t there when she took her first steps or said her first words.  I missed the first day of kindergarten and the chance to teach her to ride a bike.  But I was there today.  Today I helped my daughter get ready for prom.  And it reminds me that the moments missed just can’t compare to the memories made.  And that my friends, is the gift of adoption.

To find out more about adopting from foster care please visit our FAQ page and Contact us today.